New Years Resolutions..

Okay, So this year, my resolutions shall be early instead of late.. Here it goes.. Oh btw, i'm writing the list in new years style, like 3,2,1 happy new years? yeah okay..

10)Get my grades up in my new school
9)Go on the computer less
8)Stop stressing over my hair BEFORE I end up with gray hair
7)Get myself organized (Get room together,make lists,etc)
6)START READING AGAIN!!
5)START WRITING AGAIN!!!!!
4)Stop stressing, period.
3)Lose 30 pounds.
2)Remember to wash makeup off before bed so it doesn't smudge in the morning.
1)Get over this whole inexplicable sadness thing.

HAPPY NEW YEARS!!!

OMG MISSED ANNIVERSARY

Omg, omg,.. I missed the one year anniversary of how long i've been using blogger.. It would have been September 18th! Damn, oh well.. three.. maybe four months late.. not too bad,.. hehe.. anyways.. Yeah, September 18th in 2008 is when I started to write on blogger.. Thats crazy, I can't believe it's been over a year! Well, I'm going to close this blog up now so I can write another one.. New Years Resolutions.. hah.

HAPPY LATE ANNIVERSARY BLOGGER! WOOOHOO

R.I.P Nelly..

Nelly was my beloved teddy bear.. It was given to me for christmas by Miranda and francis.. It was the first teddy bear I had in years.. and then after only one year of posessing it.. my dog jsut yesterday devoured it.. I literally almost cried because it meant alot to me.. only because of whom it was given to me by..and of how much meaning it held...

Anywho.. My poor teddy bear Nelly.. :(

Life is totally random,

So.. you're there, just minding your own business, and all of a sudden.. Life comes right up behind you and slaps you in the face.

Dont you hate when that happens? When you don't even know what hit you? You realize your life's going down the tubes and you seriously need to change that? It sucks. And the worst part is no matter what it happens.. Whether its socially,mentally,at work,at school.. it happens. And it falls right on top of you and it falls oh, so hard. It just that one day you're sitting there on your couch or at your computer for like, the millionth night in a row, and it hits you. You think, Where am I going?What's going to happen next? ...Er.. my train of thought just vanished.. I have no idea where im going with this.. but anyways, yeah.. So when that happens it sucks.. and things just go wrong and you dont know what to do about it..

Well anyways.. I felt like writing something, and I did.. One thing accomplished on my mental to-do list, right in between getting a life, and doing better in school. Woohoo for life.

Ch.1.. Boy Meets... Demon? - Story | Get More Stories at Quizilla

Ch.1.. Boy Meets... Demon? - Story | Get More Stories at Quizilla

so far I have 2 chapters :) I will add the third soon.

I'm Going To TRY.

Okay. Im going to try and stop feeling sorry for myself, and stop complaining to a stupid web page. No offense blogger :) But yeah, if I really can't take it, I wiill write it down, if i really feel the need. I am going to try and help myself.. though I have no idea how too... I don't know how to fix any of my problems right now, but somehow.. I'll try. I mean, Im starting at a different school probably soon. I could think of it as.. a fresh start. I dont see how that has anything to do with my problems, but i still like to think of a new school as a new start. It helps. Anyways, this'll have to be a short blog. Im going to try and FORCE myself to sleep. I will repeat these words over in my head "Sleep will come, sleep will come, candice sleep, sleep, " I dont know, lol, i'll find some way, and hopefully I'll sleep. So I will go to sleep now... The clock's still in here, maybe i'll try and let it sooth me, instead of forcing my mind to hate the sound.. Dont ask where that came from, I dont know. So yeah, Good night/ Morning....

Random thoughts, thinking while im not sleeping..

Who cares? I don’t. The world changes. My feelings change. Everything changes. It’s stupid yet makes sense. It’s beautiful and ugly. I can’t explain it. Who can? Nobody can read me better than I can, but then what to do when I can’t anymore?

How to explain my.. my, sadness, I suppose I could put it? How to explain my sadness, I don’t know. It’s a mixture. It hurts. That’s what I can tell you. It hurts. It sickens me. It’s unexplained, and that’s the worst part. Something invisible is pulling on me, somehow feeding me sadness that I have no idea about. Always just a sad, down, bored feeling. It’s hard to explain it precisely. Here is how I’ll explain it. When I think about my life, I don’t care. I used to love my best friend, and now it feel’s like I don’t. I feel like the world is empty and there’s nothing exciting, or new to it. I hear my voice, it sounds different. I see myself, I look different… And most importantly, I feel different. I don’t want to discover things, I don’t want to learn things, I don’t want to care. I don’t want to go places, I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to feel. I want to feel numb, and the only person I want to talk to is, I don’t know, not the same. I don’t feel the same with that person anymore. The voice of this person used to cheer me up, make me feel better, make me not want to cry. But for some reason, it’s not doing that anymore. I feel worst. I find myself aimlessly feeling weird feelings, some I’ve never felt. I can't even sleep anymore. It’s stupid. I want to ignore it. I want to deny it, and accept it, and cry over it, and fix it, but I cant. I’m sick with it. It’s an endless feeling of nervousness and I can’t stop it. I hate it. I hate it. See? There I go with anger again. It bounces. From sad, to angry, to sad, to angry, to jealousy, to annoyance, to unbearable, to frustration. I never said I wanted to play ball. I don’t want my emotions being uncontrollable. But they are. They are. I can’t change them, I can’t alter them, I can’t fix them. I can’t begin to try to change it because I don’t know what the hell is bothering me. I don’t feel happy even around my friends. I find myself pretending to laugh, pretending to smile, pretending to be happy, when I’m honestly not. All I want is to be alone, to not be bothered.. but I’m scared of that. I’m scared of being alone. It makes me feel hopeless, and trapped. But I want it. It kills me to not be able to fix my problem. It kills me to not be in charge of myself. It really does.


Soooo goodnight...

Late Night Random

Im a useless stone.

Don't ask why I chose the word stone. I guess because that too, is useless.
Anyways. Honestly, I dont know what to do. I have no will-power, which prevents me from having the will to have a will-power because i have none to start with. No, im not trying to be funny. I think my voice has permanently gone monotone. Hey, at least I'm not cutting myself like some other idiots do when their sad and stupid. Nope, i'm just moping. Maybe not even that much. I kinda want to throw something, but I won't because I know it wont change how I feel. And besides, I don't think im angry. My foot's asleep. As i should be. At least something thats part of me knows what its doing. The clock is ticking right now, usually its sound soothes me, but tonight its just pissing me off. Its just ike tick, tick,tick, tick, tick, endlessly. Just shut up already, who cares about the time? I'll sleep after this though, Not like I have anything better to do. besides read. But my eyes are too heavy. Don't take that as a sign that I'll fall asleep when I go lie down, it'll take a while. Because as soon as I lay down my eyes will be light again, and thoughts will pop out of nowhere and voila, i lay awake listening to the stupid, agitating sound of the clock ticking off another second, every second, of my life. Hey, that's a good line I just wrote, If I were writing still, I'd use it in a story. I better go to school tomorrow. I'll like, kick myself if I dont. [For you francis lol.. but yeah, so that's me trying to make myself have will-power. I'll try. My alarm is set and i am promising that i'll try. I promise to try. I won't promise you i'll go because I hate breaking promises, and I am not sure if i'll be able to keep that one] I kind of just want to sit here and stare at the computer screen, but I know I can't. Sleep. Sleep is good. If i ever did sleep. I think I gained weight too. Thats embarrassing to write. But I dont care. Anyways, I suppose I should go lay down and listen to the clock now. Goodnight. Good morning, whatever you want to call it. I just mean to say bye,

Tick tock

Tick tock,
Time just wont stop,

Tick tock,
Please make the clock stop!

Tick tock,
Times running out,

Tick tock,
My life’s moving on,

Tick tock,
Why can’t it just leave me here?

Tick tock,
I don’t want to move,

Tick tock,
Im scared of what will come,

Tick tock,
The numbers keep moving,

Tick tock,
Yet the final date is solid,

Tick tock,
Tick tock,
Tick tock,
I’m gone.

Tick tock,
Tick tock,
I can’t stop it,

Tick tock,
Tick tock,
Help,

Tick tock,
The number’s keep rising,

Tick tock,
Then falling,

Tick tock,
The same thing over,

Tick tock,
I’ve seen those numbers before,

Tick tock,
Im panicking,

Tick tock,
The clock stops.

Silence.
I can’t hear it.

Silence.
Maybe I can fix everything,

Until the clock ticks again.
Again, Silence.

Shh,
Maybe if im quiet, it’s wont sound again.

Tick tock,
I was wrong.
Tick tock,

Life goes on,

Tick tock,
While others do also,

Tick tock,
So should I.

Tick tock,
The end,

2012

I dont get it.

I'm scared to death of 2012 happening. But I shouldn't be. I mean, I believe in god, and not only was it the mayan's who predicted 2012, but it was also mentioned in the bible. So I basically only have two options.. Believe in 2012 along with believing in god.. or, don't believe in 2012 and don't beleive in god. Wow, that sounds confusing, i know.. but it's true.. If god meant for something to happen in 2012, and it doesn't happen.. wouldn't that mean he's not real? So if i'm scared of dying in 2012, doesn't that also mean I don't believe in god? I don't knpw how to explain it.. but anyways, I just thought that I'd write that, it was just on my mind.. I'm going to try and not be afraid of 2012, if it happens, it happens, and if it does, i should end up somewhere other than a coffin in a graveyard... And if it doesn't... well, we'll see when that day comes...

Gooooodnight :)

Not Much To Say.

So i'll make this quick.

I'm sad, for no apparant reason. I have everyone telling me I look sad, or asking me what's wrong, but I don't know why, and I keep saying nothing. I can't explain it, but it's an empty feeling I have, and it's making me sad. Just random,inexplicable sadness, that will probably only end when 2009 does. Yes, i'm back in this 2009 thing. It hates me, i'm sure of it. It's so far burned my scalp to the degree that I can no longer grow hair in that particular spot, It's given me a giant knot causing me to have to chop off half of my hair, It's given me lice twice(once when i had the knot) It's made me inexplicably sad and it wont even let me find out why im sad. It's caused me anger worst than any other i've ever experienced in my life, It's given me sleep deprivation, and fear of nothing. It's given me my worst anxiety attacks of death, and it's given me the flu(way back in march) It's given me the worst experiences of my life.. and that is how I know 2009 hates me. The only thing that 2009 can't change is the fact that 2010 is in three months. That's the only good thing at the moment I can think of. That, and, of course Franky coming back to Montreal in less than 3 weeks. Anyways, I will just go to sleep now,
Goodnight blogger people.
My next blog will be the same unless it's 2010.

Im lost. Idk. Maybe.

Okay, im eating a nugget at the moment... Anyways, I was thinking of changing school's.. I can't get up in the morning, it's just not my thing.. So I was thinking of going to a school where the time varies, and the one im thinking of is only like a 20 minute walk from my house. Or i could just take the bus and i'd be there in 5 minutes. So it's a pretty good option. Im also starting to doubt myself. Im losing confidence in my writing, which to me, is worst than being stabbed. Writing is my life, and for the past 6 years, always has been. It's something where, I can take all of my feelings, weather they be anger,sadness,happiness,love,etc.. and turn it into a story.. and the best part is that no one could judge it... because to everyone else, it would be fictional, and entertaining. And another reason why I can't live without writing is that it's my drug. Im addicted. When people turn to alchohal, or E, or weed even, it makes them feel better, and for me, writing makes me feel better.. without all the trouble of hang over's and over doses! So, obviously, I'm passionate about my writing,, if I didn't write, i wouldnt know what to do with myself. I'd feel naked, and alone. Because when I write, every single piece of my feelings go into what i'm writing, it's everything I can't say, or wont say on a piece of paper, disguised by fiction. And when it's done, it's mine. People can read it, they can like it, they can hate it, but no one can take credit for it. It's mine, and people can read it, completely clueless as to what the actual meaning is behind it, or the real inspiration.. but it's like venting without judgement. So I really can't live without it... But seeing as im losing faith in myself.. I don;t know what to do, or how to deal with it, who am I to talk to seeing as my writing is starting to slip away? I have people to talk to, but honestly, it's not the same.

Anyways, that's my blog for today :)

Random anime drawings I drew :)

I drew thesse and uploaded it to the computerr :)

Moment of Doubt.

I had a moment of doubt today.

I do not know about what, for i'm still trying to figure that out for myself. I've had moments where i've doubted something, but not as strong as i had doubted something today. It was so odd. I think the source of the doubt was science. I still remember EXACTLY what the teacher was saying when I had the random doubt moment. She said "So.. its not our LUNGS or our BODIES that are demanding the air, but it is our cells... all over our body it is the cells that are demanding to breath" And just as she was saying that, I saw everything differently (not literally) but like, do you ever get that, where, you have had a life changing moment, or you just escaped death, and you see the world differently? Well, for about 2 seconds, I had that feeling. It happened so incredibly fast, but i remember it. I remember doubting something, and wanting to change myself. What i doubted is the only thing I CANT remember from within those 2 seconds. I dont get it, it was seriously weird, but i got it. and now I can't even remember what i was doubting, and it sucks. But it was more of an unpleasant feeling, so i guess i'd rather not remember.

Anyways, I just figured i would blog about that odd moment.

:)

School has begun.

So i've started school.. It is now (and already) Friday. I don't exactly want it to be friday because i'm going to miss seeing some people until I see them again on tuesday. Okay, fine, one person... but don't ask :P lol.

Science scares me. Only on the second day of school did we have to put hydrogen peroxide on raw liver... btw, raw liver is DISGUSTING. It's jiggly, and gooey, and gross. Anyways, We are going to be disecting sheep eyes (gag) frogs, and cow brain...(V..O..M..I..T) Not ONLY is it gross, but it also goes against what I believe in :'( OKAY! I know that's hypocritical seeing as I eat meat, but thaat's a little different. Meat is something you eat.. that helps your health... Humans have been eating meat since there ever were people. However, killing an animal and then giving it to kids to disect for scientific experiments just isn't moral. That's why I hate science... scientists and other people like them will do anything to figure things out.. and it's stupid. Why do something so cruel just for a bunch of kids to get a grade, like seriously, it's ridiculous.

Anyways, English class is awesome. I memorized the classroom and teacher before school even started :) We're, at the moment, reading a short story called "the most dangerous game" Its really really good so far, the only thing i hate about the class though, are the students, none of them will shut up! we've only gotten though like 4 pages in 3 classes, because everyone talks thorugh it and interupts, and its so annoying.

I think i'm becoming more confident!! Last year, whenever a guy would say one word to me, my face would turn scarlette and I'd sounded ridiculous when I talked, but this year, i'm able to talk louder, and make jokes and stuff, So i'm quite happy about that.

So yeahh, idk what else to write, so, bye for now! :)

video

DONE.

Screw ev-er-y-thing. I'm just going to lock myself in a closet until 2010. I hate 2009, and want to skip it, but i can't. so screw it. I have no clue what to do anymore, and im done thinking that it will get better, because it just keeps getting worst. I really don't care anymore. I have a week left until school starts, and I do not have a clue as to what i'll do if I still have a knot and other things that im not mentioning. But whatever, i dont care. oh, and remember how i said, that the only thing good about this year were the trips to toronto? well, thats been taken away from me too. I can't go tomorrow like i was suppose to.

NOW, if you'll excuse me, i really am going to go cry in a corner.

Depressedish.

So depression.

It sucks.

This year has been the worst for me, nothing too tooooo bad. i guess. But like, i'm positive that 2009 hates me. I mean, it started in june, everyone was telling me i should go back to my natural hair color[i had dyed it black, and my natural was red] and then i begin missing it too, so i go to get it bleached, and of course, it burns my scalp. THEN, i go to toronto thinking whatever, it should be fine, and it just gets worst. Then my hair gets all knotted[were still in june,here people, now its augest and my hair is STILL knotted,] AND i stub my toe, and let me tell you, it must have been one hell of a bang, because here i am 3 months later and the toe is still affected. I've been to the hospital like 5 times in the past 2 months BECAUSE of the burn, and only the past 2 times has it been GOOD news. ish. ALSO, this morning i get a shower and SOMEHOW, my neck moves in some way that now i have a kink in my neck and it hurts like hell. I can't freaking move it left, right, or even look up. to top it all off, I HAVE to be the most self concious person in the world. and having bad, knotted hair, and knowing that i might have to cut it off, so does not help.

I'm obviously not depressed, depressed. not the bad kind of depressed. I am just vaguely depressed, but it sucks. Nothing about this year is good, except for the trips to toronto. but thats about it.

now, If you'll excuse me... I have to go cry in a corner. [im being sarcastic]

I dont know.

I am so tired of this.

I dont even know where to begin, and I cant. I can;t begin, because i cant say. But im sooooooooooo angry. GAH,, I don;t know who to talk to, or what to do, or if my advice is any good. I don't know anything. I feel incredibly stupid, and useless in this situation. I want to help, i really do, but I can't. I know what I think, and i can't tell the truth. Anyways, I had to vent this somewhere. Even though I have not completely vented, it still feels good to get a little bit off my chest. But I swear, i'm going to burst, like a little, tiny, freaking bubble poked by a thin, yet powerful needle. Not because its too much, not because i dont care, or dont want it, but because I can't do anything, I can; t say what i know, or give the right advice. I am lost. SO, incredibly, and amazingly lost.

help.

Sad

So today, I will be watching 2 harry potter's, and then i'll be off to the hospital. I don't want to go at all, but I guess it's necessary. But I HAATE it..

I can't think of much to write lately, and kind of forget about blogger.
I hate the feeling of being blocked, and not knowing what to write. I miss writing so much, and seriously, I can't think of anything to write, not just on here, but, on a regular basis. I have to write, it's like, my life. I know that i'm writing now, but it's not the same as writing something good, that I can look at, and be impressed by myself. I belive i've already written something like this entry before, about having writer's block. Anyways, if writing doesn't work out [I weep at the thought of that] I have a back-up plan. I will become either a human rights lawyer, a chef, or a singer, probably not a singer though. I'm sort of good at it, but i wouldnt want to have to tweak my voice to make it sound better or anything.

But anyways, I'm out. I have to make something for cameron to eat, and myself...

so yeah..

byee :(

Why would you judge me if Im different ?

Who am I to judge ?
Who are you to think bad ?
Who is anyone to be mean ?

Here's the thing,

People are always so critical. So fast to judge other's when really, they shouldn't even care. Unless the person their judging is going to harm them is any way, what their doing, or what their wearing, or how they act, has absolutly no effect on them. So why would they judge? I think it's ridiculous. I mean, I'm not saying IM perfect, Of course I judge people. However, I DO think about it. I think about how I would feel if i were that person being laughed at, or being called a name, or just being critisized harshly. Judging inside of your head should be the only place you judge anyone. Because if any little part of your judgment is leaked out from beyond the tiny walls of your head, it spreads. It spreads like a deadly, and excruciatingly painful poison. I am not being over-dramatic either. Hear me out.

Everyone has had that day, where, you dont, and WONT go in public because of how you look, or if you cant find the right clothes. Right? Why is that? doesn't it suck, too? To feel as though your ugly, and gross, and that if you are seen in that condition that everyone will laugh at you? well that, that is called judging. Some people judge to make them feel better about themselves. Others do to fit in. andthen there are just those people who do it because others humiliation, is just amusing to them. But I dont get it, obviously these people are those who lack both sympathy, and empathy. Why not take a second, and put yourself in their shoes. IF it were you, who was being laughed at, and tteased by the people who you have to go to school with or the people who you have to see. But, even worst then getting teased by someone you know, is getting teased by a complete stranger. Who are they to judge? They dont know you, they dont knnow your backround, or where youve been. They know not a thing about you. And what makes THEM any better then you?

Anyways,

What made me write this is just, that I was at the bus station today, and theres a guy who goes there quite often, and im not saying thisa to be mean, but he is mentally handicap. When he is there, he acts strange, he talks different, and today, he was singing loudly to himself. There were two girls in the same area as me, and when they saw him, they looked at eachother and laughed, and began talking about him. How is that fair? Their mocking someone else's mental stability. Its a problem that he could not control, that he could not have any power over what so ever. He is a poor person doomed, and imprisoned to a life sentence of abnormality, and sadness. He will never be able to have a normal life, like those two girls DO have the privillege of having. Something he doesnt. And their LAUGHING about it. Of course, i thought it was weird when I first saw it, he's different. someone not normal. Those were my first thoughts, but then as i observed closer, its not HIS fault, So why should I laugh at something that was totally beyond his control.If anything, we should cry on his behalf, Cry that he cant have a normal life.

Now, i realize I AM being a little hypocritical. Just for the fact that franky showed me this g.i joe dubbed show, where they make fun of a mentally handicapped person, and i laugh at it. I shouldnt, but I do. Most people find it funny because of the difference of speech, because of the way that they cant say things the same we can, or say a proper sentence. So all of a sudden, because it isnt real, its okay. But really, its not. It IS real, its something that real people are born with and cannot do anything about. It's as real as the man i seen at the bus station today. And its a sad, sad thing. Imiagine a life, where you couldnt make any friends because your different, and everyone finds you weird. Imagine a life in which you can't go outside without being judged in some way. It would be hard. Friendless,hopeless,and lifeless.

Anyways, just think about it.
Its really sad.
Dont judge, because its something minor, that can lead t something big.

And by that, i mean death. suicide. People without anyone to run to, sometimes HAVE no other alternative. So pleaasseee be a friend to a person who has none.

Thankkkk you!!!!!

The Good And The Bad.

Good Morning.

I have failed to write everyday.
:(

I want to write everyday, but for some reason, blogging slips my mind. I guess it could be because i have alot on my mind. Not only bad things, but good things too.[ha,no duh candice,if its not only'bad' things, obviously its good things] Anyways, lets start with the good things: I have writing on my mind. Doing something fun, getting a job, or something. Anything to do with writing. My life is pretty much about writing, if I can't write, I get upset. Yet if im upset, I write. If I am happy, I write, If I have ANYTHING on my mind, I write. I write on the bus, in the car, at home, and[shhhh!] in school, in class. and no, not just in english class. I hate not being able to write, but that's okay when I can't, because it really triggers my emotions and then I have something to write about. more good things on my mind: I might be going to Toronto Friday! :) I really hope I can go. Also, good things: I am doing pretty good in summer school! and thats all for the good things.

Now on to the bad things: I keep thinking about Augest. Soooo much to do, and I don't even want to do half of these things. There is going back to the hospital for another appointment, and if my burn is not any better, I have to get plastic surgery, to be honest, i'm really considering skpping that appointment. There is also going to Heritage to sign up for september. I want to do that, its just, IM SICK OF GOING TO PLACES THAT ARE IMPORTANT!!!! argh. anyways, theres alot more on my mind, but I have to start getting ready for school. IM STRESSED! ARGH!

random

and just so everyone knows..
Theres no use in crying,
because it changes nothing.
:(

A broken heart,
A waiting soul,
Wanting to leave the empty room.

Theres no one there,
But still, she is.
Her aura's beginning to fade.

A single tear,
wiped away,
because she knows theres no use.

A small escape,
Impossible to reach,
But still, she wont stop trying.

Her goal is set,
She wont forget,
She'll do what it takes to achieve it.

One life,
One chance,
She'll grab it, when in arms reach.

One light,
one switch,
She'll flip it as soon as she can.

For now though,
The light is off,
But one day she will turn it on.

What is pain?

Pain is the throbbing of your aching heart,
The feeling of being forgotten,
pain is the loss of feeling cared for,
pain is the loneliness of an empty night.

Pain is the last alternative when nothing else works,
the sadness of a dying rose,
pain is the helpess cry of a child,
in the night when 'no one's home.

Pain is the point of no return,
when your holding your own chest to stay together,
pain is the tear from the eyes of god,
it's the fear of no longer being.

Pain is the fading of your once endless hope,
and the revelation of your anger,
pain is when you cry yourself to sleep,
holding the pillow to your heart.

Pain is the point when your holding your head down to your body,
the loudness of your pulse inside your ears,
the tick and tock from the grandfather clock of fate,
pain is the torture of your soul.

Pain is the fiery gate of hell,
the light turned off so your blinded,
pain is the bitter after taste,
of something you now regret.

Pain is the the happy memories that no longer live,
the tearing and rippng of something that's gone,
it's the very second that your heart stops beating.

Not sure what to write.

I don't know if I'll get into the moment when writing this entry, but i'll try to. This is usually what I do when I can't think of anything to write, I just write anything and see if something comes to me in the process. So, I am quite capable of typing with these nails.. though I always mess up, hmm,.. then i guess thats considered to be UNcapable... oh, whatever. Anyways, I start summer school tomorrow... I went from thinking it lasts one week, to two weeks, and find out it lasts three weeks. THREE WEEKS! of pure torture [yes, i consider math torture, theres a reason I'm going to summer school,you know] ugh, nothing more is coming to me...

Well, I guess this will have to be a short entry.
I'm just so eager to write something amazing,
and it's getting in the way of writing just a regular entry.

Anywayssss......

:)

Unknown

A loving heart, to care for you,
was all you ever asked for.
So why didn't you ever get it?
Why not, the one thing you ask of anyone?

Remembrance of a dead and gone soul,
Will never be known to the world.
For this pure-hearted soul was forgotten.
Disapeared with the wind and the waves.
If only, someone had known.

You tried to be brave, but it failed.
You tried to hold on, but let go.
A bruise in the shape of 4 fingers,
But hidden so no one could see.

A baby forced to be older,
A child locked in a room.
Hidden and banned from humanity,
Forever is gone from the world.

Too late to save,
Too far to grab,
A gravestone without engravements.
A gravestons without flowers.

A wounded soul, alone in the world,
who had not a person to run to.
Cold as ice, yet soft as silk,
Forever forgotten, unknown.

Car Fetish

Okay, so for the past several months, I've had this obsession over cars. Yeah, i know, cars. But anyways, I know ALOT of them. Well, you know, all the neighborhood cars; And more. It's actually a fun hobby. I'll write down the ones i can think of at the moment that i like and dislike.

LIKE:

1)Volvo (obviously my #1)
2)Mercedes(smart car, for environmental reasons)
3)Nissan(350z)
4)Mitsubishi(eclipse mostly)
5)BMW
6)Maybach
7)Chrysler
8)Saab
9)Porsche(duh) =]
10)Lamborghini (any,their all awesome)
11)Corvette
12)Lexus
13)Audi
14)Hyundai
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DISLIKE:

1)Chevy's (I know, I know, reliable! but their ugly..)
2)Scion
3)Toyota(THEIR FREAKING EVERYWHERE)
4)Nissan(I know i said i like nissan,but only the 350z/&& altima)
5)Ford(again,reliable,but not so pretty.)
6)Kia(their OKAY)
7)Lancia
8)Pontiac

I know there are alot of other cars, but I can't think of them off the top of my head.. So for now, those are my likes and dislikes. =]

Just something to think about.

Isn't it amazing how time just seems to sneak up on you, and then pass you by so quickly? Isn't it frustrating? How while you're there trying to live your life, the time just flies? Especially when you let your guard down, only for a second, somehow you've aged like 100 years ? How quickly this time goes. It's like a pick or choose situation.. Either, you don't live life to the fullest, which would be boring, and time then seems alot slower.. OR DO live life to the fullest, but then let time pass you by as fast as it can. For some reason, this year went by without me even seeing it. To me, this whole year didn't even happen. Now imagine that in the eyes of a dog? I know what your thinking.. "where in the world are you going with this" ? Well, Miranda's dog will be getting put down soon, because he's really old now, and, imagine how greedy we are to be saying 100 years isn't long! what the hell!? That's much too soon for me!! but look at a dog, they don't get, what? more then 20 years to live. that is not even equivalent to half the amount of time that we live. So this is also why i dont understand how people can be angry at eachother, or hold grudges, or just be mean for their own satisfaction. Why not make the best of it? the way a dog does ? Dogs are INCREDIBLY loyal,mellow,care-free, and can wind up being your best friend. There is only one way that an animal can become your best friend, and that is by being happy and friendly and, well, just by being there. So why is it that people cant do this? It isn't so complicated. I mean, why not make the best of 100 years? Why kill the environment? or why call a person down to the dirt? from the simplest thing as to just call someone a name, to the extreme thing as to murder. Why? Just do what you can as a person, to better yourself. To not hurt others, or to just be a good person. Care,love,be peaceful and loyal the way a dog is. Because they seem to enjoy life stress-free, but i haven't seen one person who doesn't go through an era of stress, or depression.. think about it.

--candice

BAD LUCK!!

I am currently in toronto :) I am leaving 'sigh' tomorrow though. I think after years of stepping on the cracks in the sidewalks, that my bad luck is finally catching up with me. Why? okay, well it all started the weekend before school finished... I got my hair bleached, and it burned my scalp, it hurt for two days, and then i was like "okay, everything should be fine now" also that week, i find out that the guy i like who i thought said yes to going out with me, actually said no. so i go to toronto the enxt weekend, and franky sees my burn and said it was really bad.. Then that week I stub my toe and sprain it, it turns purple. I cant walk normally for like 2 days. THEN when i go home, I find out i need to be hospitalized for the burn. So i go to the hospital, get it looked at, sit in the hospital for 4 hours, to find out i might need plastic surgery on my head in order for it to heal properly, thank god it wasnt THAT bad. however, i was told to take anti biotics that make me sick, and make everything taste funny. And to put cream on my head.. and i have to go back home tomorrow, because i have ANOTHER appointment at the hospital on wednesday. Now next monday i start summer school, for MATH, my WORST subject, AND i have to wait 3 more months for twilight's sequel of new moon to come out. now try telling me thats not bad luck?

Anyways, just thought i would write something, its been a while...

Family && Friends, Always Beautiful in my eyes.

i love you all. <3

Not far from breakdown point >:[

I'm seriously going to go nuts. Shelbie's ex boyfriend Micheal hass been living here for 5 months.. I could MAYBE understand that if they were actually going out. But hey broke up after the first 2 weeks he was here. He came down from newfoundland for her, an then she broke up with him. And now she just ditched all of us without telling and cut off our cable and stuff, but thats a different story. I am getting sick of micheal. Literally. Shes gone now, and for some reason that I CANNOT imagine, he is still here. Why? I really don't understand. I don't mean to be mean, but my mom is already tight with the money, and whenever she DOES get money, and goes to buy food or whatever, half the food is gone before anyone gets a chance to eat any of it! And also again, not to be mean, but he stinks.

As soon as someone walks into the house, you can smell it. He sleeps in the room in which all my clothes are, and so every morning I don't want to go in and get clothes for school, in case he wakes up. Do you have ANY idea how annoying that gets? I am still very ticked off right now, and earlier i was very close to tears just for the simple fact that nothing in this house makes sense. I keep telling my mom to tell him to either get a job, get out, or move home. But she wont. She doesnt want to hurt his feelings. But honestly, right now i could csre less about his feelings. It was HIS choice to come down here in the first place, he's 23, he's a grown man, he can get a job, It REALLY isn't that hard. I mean, when we come in he's laying on the couch, he lays on the couch like all day, to the point where his shape is actually beginning to form in the couch.

Now the room he sleeps in stinks, and the living room is starting to stink... Oh, heres another thing, he smokes a cigarette in the bathroom all the time, and then he CLOSES the door when he gets out. I mean, COME ON! How much brains does it take to know that if you close the door the smoke stays in. Which it does. Because then when i open the door and go in, i just about choke on how much smoke comes out. I'm really getting frusterated, I mean, my mom should understand that at this point, it had nothing to do with her, bringing him down. And that sometimes you have to put needs ahead of feelings. What i mean by that is, she will have to tell micheal no matter how upset it will make him. This is what keeps coming to my mind, he is 23, he is 23, he is 23! JESUS! I wanted so badly to just yell at everyone this morning just because of the fact that he's here, leaching off of my mom to live. I know she's not doing anything about it, but it's affecting me too. I can;t stand it.. I'm scared that im going to end up going to school smelling like him, or something. URGGG!! okay, well i am going to stop writing now because im getting upset thinking about it.

I can't write! :(

I can't think of anything to write anymore... I'm freaking out! Honestly, it's like everytime I feel like writing, my mind comes up blank. I mean, I've heard of writers block, but does it really last this long ? How can I be a writer if my mind can't think up anything anymore? It's as though i've run out of creativity. The last thing I wrote was a poem about a week ago, and now I can't think of anything! Argh... I am trying SO hard to write something creative, but I can't. I've been doodleing in my notebooks.... DOODLEING!!! that's not like me at all. I HATE doodleing. I usually just write in my notebooks, and maybe draw a couple of doodles, but that's it! But NOW.. now, i'm talking pages [HUGE,FULL] pages, beyond pages of DOODLES! GAH! I need something exciting or interesting to happen in order to base some sort of writing piece off of that. I need my brain to be refreshed.. or.. hmmm... Is there an 'erase all' Button that refers to my brain, by any chance? Because it's quite possible that my brain is acting as a computer and the memory is all used up.

Maybe that's why in the past year i've been so forgetful. See, take this entry for example; I've only gotten to a little more then half a page, and it has been about 20 minutes. What's up with that?! Usually, it takes me like 5, at most 10 minutes to jot down something this easy. This isn't even creative... it's basically like a diary entry, I shouldn't even really need to think about this. Oh, anyways, I'm going to stop writing now. maybe, HOPEFULLY, i'll write again soon.. Maybe even something INTERESTING!

My favourite part of a poem I wrote ! and more.

In time, perhaps, I'll see the big deal,
But right now, i'd rather be blind.
I'd rather live in the dark,
then have that tiny light of fake vision.


Okay, i know thats short, so instead of wasting precious page, I shall write some more.. Tomorrow I have school, and we start exams.. Im probably going to do pretty good on most of the subjects, just not math. I am the worst person at math. Honestly, I dont understand how someone could be so bad at math.. oh, well, actually i do know hoow im so bad at it, but im not going to get into that, lol. Anyways, today i went for sushi with my dad, but it wasnt the greatest, we didnt go to kanda's, we went to one at a strip mall, and it sucked :S Buuut, at least my dad seemed to enjoy it. I am so tired right now, but I think im stil having anxiety, like miranda said. Because for some reason I find it so scary to sleep, sort of the feeling that I will miss something, only, theres nothing to miss.

I feel like im wasting my time sleeping, and i wish that i didnt need to sleep.. But i do need to sleep, and I feel so.. empty when I sleep. I haven't dreamed in forever, and it feels as though i just simply close my eyes, and they open again, and that i didnt sleep, but somehow, its morning. Im afraid of the darkness that somes with sleep, and the hollowness, I hate the fact that it feels amazing to be falling asleep but the feeling ends within 5 minutes, and i somehow woke up. Im terrified of not waking up, but I wake up too fast. Honestly, im almost as tired as I am when i go to bed, when i wake up. I dont understand it, I wish it would be different.. I miss dreaming, I miss having long sleeps where when i wake up I KNOW that I was asleep, I know for a fact that the sky isnt playing tricks on me.

Like, heres an example, this is how much sleeping and awaking so fast freaks me out: I had a dream that I woke up, and it was morning, and in my dream i was freaking out because i was awake so fast. [thats the ONE dream i've had in the past several months] And then i woke up from that dream, and i glanced out the window, and the most relief that i've ever felt washed through me to know that i could go back to sleep because it was still completely dark out. I hate this feeling.. I just want it to go away, and never come back...

Anyways,, speaking of sleep, it is necessary for me to do so now, Even though it wont make much of a difference.

Goodnight, to you.

:)

Beginning og a song im writing :D

Beginning of a song im writing :)
There comes a time in everyones life,
where you gotta make a choice, but its
too hurtful to choose, its like tryin to find
a needle in a haystack yeah, many times you'll think
you got it but its just not it.

chorus:
Oh, it's, hard, to make the right decision, I know, it's,
hard, debating over which is better, which is worse.
Oh, its, heard, to make the right choice,
when the outcome is so unknown, its, hard.
-

A choice is like, a fork in the road that you
come across, when your lost, you've come so
far already, so you've got to make the choice
or else, your stuck in one place, never moving
forward or just going back..

Oh it's, hard, to make the right decision, I know, it's,
Hard, debating over which is better which is worse.
Oh, its, hard, to make the right choice,
when the outcome is so unknown, it's, hard.
-

Thats all i have right now.. im not sure what else to add at the moment... but i will think of something eventually :D

New blog!

I've decided to create a new blog.. still on this account of course, but, it just won't be "Stories from cjw" lol. The reason i'm making a new one is because im worried about the environment, and today in english class, we had to read an online blog about a kid whose parents are journalists who go o protests and press conferences about global warming and stuff like that, and over the summer of 2008, he matures from a care-free teenager, into a more caring one, he begins to realize the things going on with the environment and tries to help.. aanyways, so im going to do another blog where i write things i learn about global warming/2012/greenhouse gases, etc.. and the things i do from day to day to try an help make it better... so yeah just letting you know :-] Buut I will still be doing this blog too.

Anywho,

Today was really fast, I had gym first and we played some really ... interesting games... and after that I had english.. the best subject in the world, lol and we started our exam, it's so far easy for me, but it was only reading that day, next class we start the writing part. Then it was lunch and I had to go to my french teacher to read her the story i wrote for french last week that i didnt get a chance to read last week.. then I went to the office phone to call my uncle chris who was with shelbie and got him to bring me a coffee, hehe. Then i had to gulp the coffee down in a matter of 5 minutes because the bell rang.. this stupid action caused my stomache to be upset, but on the other hand, it also made me quite hyper.. i was so jumpy ! Anyways, then I had science and we had to create water filters.. oh the fun! Not. :-/ I don't really like science because it involves building and research.. too toooo much of it :S Well yeah, that was my day, went very fast so im happy :D well.. almost happy anyways, miranda and francis left today, back to toronto :( OH that reminds me, unfortunatly(even on coffee) I didnt end up poking thin air on top of my head pretending that the pilsberry dough boy was there.. [dont ask] But yeah, so another day... hehe.

OH! I am updating this like 3 days after i wrote this blog entry, but i just realized that involves, is AWFULLY close to the word volvo :-] The "volve' part.. I am sadly obsessed, i realized :D

Last Minute

What do you do in your last minute?
You see everything happening way to fast.
This wasn't suppose to happen,
But it's happening jus the same.

60 seconds in a minute,
15 seconds to get to see.
30 seconds to take in the situation,
but only 15 seconds to react.

But your frozen, you can't make yourself move,
Instead you think "waht did I do wrong, Why me?"
This last 15 seconds now seems too long,
When your thinking about all your regrets.

You want to jump out of the way,
But your bodies in such shock,
You can't move, you think "Oh my god, I'm going to die"
That is the moment that you thjink about you family.

You'll never see them again,
Never hear them laugh again,
Now you want to cry, but you can't form the tears.
The car is moving closer, towards the end of your life.

Now the driver wasn't thinking,
He had, had a few beers,
He wanted to get home, to see his little girl,
But neither one was going home tonight.

A little girl will lose her father,
And someone else would lose their child,
But as the police went through their stuff,
They discovered something vital.

They found out it was his daughter,
The one he was on his way to see,
Here's the moral of this story,
Just do not drink and drive.

By: Candice Jost-Ward

:( This is an actual thing that can happen, probably has happened ...

Help the earth please!

Okay, Honestly, Im starting to get scared now.. I am truely doing my best to keep this earth clean. Starting whenever i leave the house next, i am going to pick up the garbage i see. For the past so many years, i've been throwing out my garbage, telling people to pick up theirs when they litter and informing people about how bad the pollution is on earth. Now, god gave us place to walk,a place to learn, a place to start lives, lose lives, create lives, and a place for us to live. At one time, it was beautiful, but then cars were invented, motorbikes were invented, power plants and factories were created, casuing greenhouse emissions. This seriously ruins our ecosystem. The worst part is, we do it so damn selfishly too.

It's all about money, money, MONEY, and more money. Guns,bombs,nuclear weapons, were all created for war, over oil. Now the oil is bad enough, but then to create weapons that ALSO ruin the earth over another thing that ruins the earth. How does this make any sense what-so-ever? It's ridiculous. People, please clean up after your selves, it REALLY isnt that complicated. Has technology(might i add, that are built in these factories that ruin our earth) made us so lazy, that we cant simple, take a walk to a garbage can, or bend over and pick up the litter we see, and bring it to a garbage?

Honestly, I think it's disgusting.. I was picking up my garbage after myself BEFORE i found out a bout the mayan prophecy.. But now that i've read aobut it, i am more determined then ever to keep the earth clean, But i need help. I cannot do it myself.. This word will end in 2012, dec.21st, at 11:11 in the morning unless we look at ourselves in the mirror and really analyze our issues. Our selfishness. Our carefree personalities that seem to stop us from doing whats right. We need to find our good sides and change.

So instead of having to end in catasrophy, we do not end, we enter our golden age. Now you may think this sounds stupid, but did you know, the mayans predicted the twin tower catastophy? Yep. They said this; "Great birds will come from the sky and end a great city to the north, in 9/11/01" Now translate it modernly, and it really means that the birds from the sky were the planes, the great city to the north was none other then newyork city, and the date? well, everyone's heard of 9/11.. It happened on setember(the 9th month) on the 11th(so far we have 9/11) and it hapend in 2001. so inother words. the 9 stands for september, the 11 stands for the 11th day of september, and 01 stands for 2001, the year it happened.

Also, the mayans with their naked eyes, counted almost completely accurately all the starts in the solar system. They calculated the time the sun set and rose, and scientists today found out they were only off by 33 SECONDES! Now it doesnt sound all that stuid does it? I would honestly appreciate some help to enter out golden age. I'd rather not die at 16 thanks. Think of your families, do you not know a precious little boy or girl who will not even be able have lived when the world ends in flames? Do you not know a good person, who has always been nice to everyone no matter what that doesnt deserve to die in 3 years? Think about it.

We can only enter our golden age if inivudually we change. Alot of people, and mostly the people who have the power to change these things, think, it wont happen.. or if they do think it will happen, they think "oh well i've lived a good life, its okaY" but their not thinking of others. Now, the ones who do try to make an effort in changing the world have a chance. The world will restart after the end, and these people with the chance will restart as well.. like adam and eve did.

Just spread the word, help others, and help yourself. Make a change and lets enter our golden age. Please, for every little precious child, boy and girl, every unlived life, every semi-lived life, and every well lived life, save them. Help the earth. Its really not hard ! please, im begging... For me, for yourself, and for every good soul out there. Keep the earth clean.

I'm doing my part. I will not buy a car when i am of age, I will not get a scooter for my birthday as i wass suppose to. I will not drive anyone elses car, i will not litter, I will pick up garbage. Im going to help the earth, and help myself, and try to help the others around me. Please do your part.

Trip to the rock of Canada...Travel story for english =]

I felt as though we had been in the car for weeks.. It had only been 3 days, but still. We had travelled fomr Quebec Montreal, to New Brunswick, to Nova scotia in about 2 days, and then we travelled by boat across the Atlantic and now we were on the opposite side of newfoundland that we needed to be. It was day 3, and we still had a 9 hour drive ahead of us. My mom driving, her boyfriend asleep on the passenger side, and my cousin and I in the backseat. I'm feeling very restless, and at this point, would rather pull a terry fox and run the rest of the trans-canada then have to sit in this tiny, confined car any longer. The depressing country music flooded the car, the notes trapped inside the closed windows, like a prisioner trapped behind closed bars. I'd just about memorized every song on the c.d by now, it was back to the second song for the 15th time. 'Chrystal chandaliers' Its called. The music was making me feel as depressed as it was. If my mom was going to put on country music, couldn't it at least be happy country music ? I sighed, and looked out the window. It was bright out, but the sun was hidden behind invisible clouds that were leaking snow. I couldn't see any other cars yet, though one would pass occasionally. Tree's beyond tree's were all I could see right noww, and even though i'd slept for a long time earlier, the way the tree's flew past my eyes, mixed with the light snow fall and the dull light of the sun, I felt suddenly tired again. I stopped staring outside now, and covered my face with my hands... This was going to be a long 9 hours.

We rode Silently for a while, probably about 2 hours, so I jumped when the long stony silence came to an end and my mom shouted "Look! A coyote!" I automatically glanced out the window in the direction she was pointing, and sure enough, at the shoulder of the road, closer to the street then should be, stood a medium sized coyote. It was very beautiful, but it was gone the second after i'd seen it, we'd driven right past it. Well, at least i'd have ONE story to tell when we got back home. Everyone was completely awake now, on alert for everything. I was pretty much awake too, and I was also looking at every angle outside that I could manage... Left, right, front, through every opening in the trees, and because it was now somewhat dark out, and the tree's cast shadows along the sides of the road because of what little light there was left of the day, i would occasionally look behind me when I thought I saw something. But I didnt end up seeing anything else. Now that I has settled back into reality after being in a dreamy type of state, I was, once again, fully aware of the 'Chrystal Chandaliers' song playing for the thousandth time. I wondered if my ipod had enough battery left to last the rest of the way.. 7 hours.. I doubted it. Either way, It was in the trunk, and I was NOT about to ask her to stop on the middle of the empty trans-canada, next to a huge,never ending, murky forest, crawling with lunatic man-eating animals!.. I'd much rather suffer the depression.

So instead, I poked around the car for something entertaining to do, the only thing that I could find though, was a crossword puzzle book. Not that I didn't like them, but I got car sick everytime I read or wrote in a car... I weighed my options: Listen to country music and get depressed until some kind of change in atmosphere meant that we had arrived in St.Johns, which would NOT be for another 7 hours.. OR, temporarily get somewhat nauseous while doing something entertaining? I decided to go for nauseous and entertained. So I opened the crossword book and started to do them. The first few were pretty easy, and then they began to get harder. The harder the better though. It would keep me busy longer, maybe even long enough until we got to st.johns! I had to calm myself down, I shouldn't get too ahead of myself, i'd probably get frusterated with the crosswords before 7 hours could pass. Well, now about 6 hours. I was not entertained enough however, to not be able to feel the edginess building up inside of me. 6 HOURS?! We had travelled for 3 days, and 6 hours was still how long we had to go? 6 hours.. was as long as it took to get to toronto by car, still so extremely long!

Or maybe it was because I was edgy that I thought it was long. School was longer than how much time we had left to go. I was comforted by that thoguht. It was actually only 6 now, and I hated that it got dark so early. The sun had set 2 hours ago! So we'd be in St.johns by 12:30 latest. I guess that wasnt so bad. I was on the verge of falling asleep when I heard my mom tell everyone to look. As soon as everyone saw it, I could literally feel the tension escape from the stuffy car. It was a sign she told us to look at. A beautiful sign, a sign of happiness, an angel sign! A sign tat said "St.Johns next exit, 2 km" Just like before, when we had seen the coyote, I could feel myself awake completely. I was literally bouncing in my seat, talking at top speed about how exited I was, so it was barely comprehendable. The road was still dark, the forest still flying past us, when we rounded the of the st.johns exit. It was a beautiful sight. I could see all of st.johns from the view from the mountain we were on. I hadn't even realized we were on a mountain until now. Though it was late, the lights were all on, inside of the bigger buildings, I guessed those were the buisness buildingd. The contrast between the light and dark of the city was breathtaking, I could see sinal hill in the distance, so I was sure we were in st.johns now.
We had reached the rock of canada.

The end :)

Family !

Beginning of the story i'm writing =]

Pre-Face:

Love... Love is totally irrational, nothing had to make sense when you loved someone, and even though you might want to make sense of things, you can't.. But it does't matter This is how it felt for me, nothing made sense anymore, or at least, my emotions didn't. I could be completely furious at him, but I still wanteed him to comfort me, even if it were him who did the damage, and strangely I wanted to comfort him too. As dangerous at it was loving him, even though he had admitted to not being sure about his self-control, it did not matter.. Because I trusted him, because I loved him. I was stepping into a blinding light that I could not see through, in which I could not see the distance or hazards along the way, a light in which I could not see the outcome, but it didn't matter. The consequence of this action could cost me my life; but that seemed like such an insignificant thing to lose, compared to losing him, to not being able to be with him. I would take death peacefully, happily even if I could not stay with him.. Because it was irrational. I stepped through the blinding light smiling, to start my waiting destiny.

Thats the first page, I did it in a matter of 5-10 minutes =] hehe.

Hmm =]

What a beautiful day today =] I am in a great mood just for the simple reason that it was sunny out and fairly warm. I re-read Midnight sun, so that added to my goodmood. Not because I love the [partial] book so much, though that's definatly part of it, It's because I love all the interesting words in it.. It inspores to me write, and so I did, I wrote one page within a 5 minute period, and its actually pretty good. hahaha, I must sound soo nerdy, with the interesting words thing.. What I mean by that, is the words in it are more ... mature I guess I can say. Because their just so much more graceful to use in sentences, then the short, quick, slang words that I have been using. So I would rather write with those types of words so I have been learning the meanings of them. I knew some of them.. here are some of the words I thought were pretty cool.. -Peripheral-Exuberant-Endeavored-Potent-Biased- ect.. And I love the old fashioned thing that goes on in the twilight series.. Instead of being lazy and using the slang like "it's,can't,wouldn't,couldn't,weren't" it's dragged out a little, used as it should be.. "It is, Cannot, Would not, Could not, Were not" It just sounds more beautiful in sentence =] Anyways... Just thought that I would write today..

Goodnight!!! xoxo

A great day except for ...

I am watching stand up comedy right now... again. I've been watching it alot lately.. I find it really funny. Anyways, yesterday I spent most of the day with franky =] First, we went to pick up my aunt georgette, and from there we went to vici's to eat. The food was really good, lol, the potato's especially :D After vici's, we dropped off georgette and went to his nephews place, because his nephews girlfriend was going to have a look at my hair to see what she could do with it[because I need my regular color back] But the process she had to do to get my hair back was long and could possibly burn my hair, which woud usually be fine, if it were okay to cut my hair, but I can't do that, i've been growing it out too long to get it cut again. So instead of doing it then, we're going to go back next month to get it done.

We were at franky's nephew's place until 4:30 about, and then we left. We were going to up to mount Royal, but then Miranda called and said she needed help to transport a poker table to her house from her aunt's house.. So we did that :P Then after we dropped off the poker table we left with Miranda and we went to pick up corey and Karlene to go for sushi. So we went back to the west Island to go eat sushi at Kanda.. but on the way there, corey got into a fight with shelbie [he told her off for always being rude to people who do nothing wrong, which is what she did to Franky],It was let go for a little bit, but then once we got to Kanda, corey was on the phone again, so Franky, Miranda, Karlene and I went up into Kanda and let corey talk on the phone, but when corey came up he was really upset.. Then my mom called Miranda's phone and told me to come home, so corey got even more upset and went back downstairs outside.

Miranda talked to my mom and got her to let me stay with them, but corey wouldn't eat, and he wouldn't come back upstairs. I don't know what was said on the phone between my mom and corey, but he said that my mom was out of his life now. Corey kept telling us to go eat and stuff, that he would wait outside, but we wanted him to come eat.. but he wouldnt, so eventually we just went back up to eat.. we ate really fast though, and the sushi was really good. After that, we left and corey was still very upset, so we went up to mount royal, we drove to a nice view part of the mountain, and then we climbed up to where the cross is, it was really fun, but I was totally freaked out :S Im a little paranoid when it comes to things like that. But yeah, it was fun. After mount royal, we drove corey aand karlene and miranda back to karlene's so they could go roller blading, and then me and franky went to the parking lot of the mall and he let me drive the truck, it was so much fun !!

After that, we went to look at the old part of la prairie, and it was very nice, a cute place, but I dont think i'd ever live there. Then Franky drove me home and that was my day. Anyways, I hope corey is okay, because when I got home there was a big ziplock bag full of stuff that had corey's name on it.. His birth certificate, his report cards, and it had a photo album full of his pictures when he was little.. I'm still annoyed,my mom has to start acting her age, i mean, you can only go so far as a parent before what you do is just foolish or stupid. I really do not know what was said on the phone between my mom and corey, but I don't see how it had anything to do with me :S and what corey said to shelbie was totally right[even though he didn't need to yell about it]

I mean, shelbie does seem to think she can control everyone around her. She's very disrespectful.. She called Franky saying "I left you two voice mails and I think its very disresectful that you didn't call me back" Oh yes your majesty. And what makes it worse is that she says it in a polite way, but sarcastically.. Well i'm not sure how to explain it, but its just so rude, and there was no need for it, cosidering it was HIM doing the favor for HER, she could have been more respectful about it. Come on! She's 18, he's 31,Who does she think she is???!? ughhhhhh. So he didn't hear his phone,SORRY if he doesnt have super-sonic hearing, you know, because I am SURE she has never missed ANY calls in her life. I might need to get the dicionary meaning of the word UNINTENTIONALLY and shove it in her face so she might have the TINY hope of understanding the concept, because apparantly, its too big a concept for her. Anyways, I have got to stop writing before I get too mad about it again.
Byeeeeeeeeeeee

[im updating this on april 20th right now] -just wanted to say wow, i said some mean things, i didint mean to be like that but i was mad,... and i kind of like how i phrased it =]

Hmm, What to write..

Okaay.
Well, Im tryig to think of something to write, I miss writing daily but I cant think of anything to write. That's bad though, I want to be a writer but how can I be a writer if i'm always running out of things to write? Ugh. No, wait thats not true. I dont alwys run out of things to write, only on blogger because im just randomly writing, whereas if im writing a book or poem or song, it just comes to be, word after word after word, Just comes out of nowhere from somewhere inside this tiny brain that SOMEHOW fits all this information in it. hmm, speaking of which.. brains are like freaking amazing, I was thinking about it.. How it can remember everything back to when you were 4 years old, and how it can remember like 2 million words, and how it can remember a persons face, a persons name, and how you can remember tiny simple things like a quote you hear once on some kind of commerical.. Its really cool. .. WOW, sorry to randomly state this, but as I am speaking of the brain remembering things, im also watching tv, and just as im writing about remembering, a commercial about alzeimers comes on. Ironic, Right? Anyways, back to the brain, I just find it totally cool, how -considering how small it is- Much things it can remember and figure out... Tonight I was looking at the sky. The stars all alined perfectly together and never moving.. Well I was just thinking.. how is that ? The world supposedly spins and spins and spins SUPER fast, so fast that we dont get dizzy, or fall, or see or feel it moving for that matter. Now what I was wondering is that, if the world is in fact moving at such a speed, how do we always see the moon, and the stars in the same place, never changing direction, or never slightly moving an inch [that we notice] ? Its so hard to understand!! But interesting, I am going to have to ind that out, because I would really ove to know how if we're moving that we dont see anything out in space moving either. Anyways, I guess i've got nothing else to write about at the moment.. OH, today i was bored and I made a cake, in the design of a canadien flag, I did it without a stenci and it turned out pretty good, heres a pic.. Anyways, ciao for now !! xox

Hair catastrophe!

My hair is hopeless!!! I died it black a while ago, and I liked it. But now i dont like it anymore, im much too pale for my hair to be black. So, I I tried dying it red when my roots began growing out, red is my natural color, so I thought red would be the prefect color to blend in with my roots... But no, it did not work, it only died my roots a darker red and the bottem of my hair went red, but the rest stayed black. So 2 days later, I tried to dye my hair blonde, just to get it a light color so the red would take to it.. but that did not work either, it didnt even dye my roots blonde, the roots went back to its original color of red, and my hair lightened about half a shade and thats it! Its crazy, now i know never to dye my hair that dark of a color again, but i think im just going to stick with my regular color from now on, its fine. :)

Audition

Sooooooooo, I auditioned for my school talent show today, its crazy how nervous I get, it just cannot be healthy. I only started getting nervous 2nd period right before lunch, which is when I had to audition.. My stomache was doing little fips and nervously twisting in weird ways. Anyways, Lunch came, the bell rings at 11:45, and the audition was at 12. So I still had to deal with all the nervousness for an extra 15 minutes, it was excrutiating, i kept thinking I was do badly and I ALMOST changed my mind about it. But finally, I went into the room in which the audition was.. I was still nervous, my friends came with me, tara, lily, sammi, alex, and sarah,,, and plus I was singing infront of the two people who organized it.. I sang and I was so nervous that my stomache muscles crapmed up.. and I heard the shakyness in my voice, but other then the shakyness i sang pretty well... the guy who was deciding weather or not i got in said twice that i was really good, and afterwards when i asked tara about the shakyness in my voice, she said she never heard it,.. so it was only me, thank god, So hopefully I wi make it in.. if I do, I am seriously going to somehow have to get over the stupid shyness.. over come it before the show so i dont make a HUGE fool out of my self infront of the whole school. OOHHH ..And I literally NOT KIDDING did NOT stop shaking until lunch ended !!! TERRIBLE! Anyways, that was the nervousnessicity thingymabober, okay, im gonee, au revoir :)

pictures :P

Upset with a former best friend.

I have felt betrayed before, and theres no doubt that i feel betrayed now; only worst.. We've known each other forever, since we were 3.. almost 11 years now. We've been through everything together, family problems, boyfriend troubles, not fitting in.. everything. Best friends, thats what we're suppose to be. It started in grade 6, the first year that she would be in my school since coming back from toronto. I told her about everyone i knew, the people i liked, who i didnt like. We did everything together for about the first week, when she became friends with one person i didnt like. The one person who was mean, and rude, and said things bad things about everyone including her two best friends who she lost because of it. Suddenly, I was hanging out with her too. I was fine with everything though, at first. My best friend was still hanging out with me, so i was fine.

But gradually, she hung out less with me, shegot a boyfriend, she was best friends with the popular girl and i was nothing. Of course I had my other friends, but it wasnt the same. She had ALL of her new friends' Names connected to her name on her binders, and not mine. She called them her best friends, and occasionally, she would call me her best friend. It sucked.

But then high school came. All of her other friends went to different schools, and i didnt. So she clung to me everyday until once again she became friends with the popular group, and again i was cast aside like an old toy replaced with new ones. I would call her, and she'd be busy, her attitude changed, she wasnt the same, happy, fun person i was friends with. She had other ideas of 'fun'. That was drinking,going to big parties, and hanging with anyone cool; of course this did not include me. At school, she'd go off with her cool friends, and leave me alone. I made better friends though, friends who actually cared about me.. of course i couldnt let my best friend slip away from me, we'd known eachother too long. So i still called her, I still hung out with her quietly, while she talked to her other friends, ignoring me altogether. She would only call me when everyone else had something to do, I was her last hopeless choice.

Then theres this year, its worst. She doesnt call me anymore, so i dont call her. We talk sometimes on msn, and when we do, she says how much she misses me and that we should hang out soon. SO I agree to hang out, only to be disappointed again. If i see her in the mall while shes with her other friends, she ignores me. A quick, barely noticable smile and off she goes. Now, shes always out drinking, hanging out with her new friends, trying drugs,.. being 'cool'. But I'm done with her, no matter how long i've known her, she's not a true friend, not a person worth having as a friend. I know where this path is taking her. God knows that I tried.. Of course I feel bad ditching her while shes on this path, but i've told her she shouldnt do it, shes seen what its done to people, what alchohal did my mom's ex, and what drugs did to my brother at first. But she doesnt listen, she would rather be cool, and popular, then healthy... But at least I can say that I tried to be a friend.

Right kind of wrong By leanne Ryhmes :)

I know all about,
Yea about your reputation
And now it's bound to be a heartbreak situation
But I can't help it if I'm helpless
Every time that I'm where you are
You walk in and my strength walks out the door
Say my name and I can't fight it any more
Oh I know, I should go
But I need your touch just too damn much
Loving you, That isn't really something I should do
I shouldn't wanna spend my time with you ya
Well I should try to be strong
But baby you're the right kind of wrong
Ya, baby you're the right kind of wrong

It might be a mistake
A mistake I'm makin'
But what your giving I am happy to be taking
Cause no one's ever made me feel
The way I feel when I'm in your arms

They say your somethin I should do without
They don't know what goes on
When the lights go out
There's no way to explain
All the pleasure is worth all the pain
Loving you, That isn't really something I should do ya-hey
I shouldn't wanna spend my time with you ya
Well I should try to be strong
But baby you're the right kind of wrong
Ya, baby you're the right kind of wrong

I should try to run but I just can't seem to
'Cause every time I run your the one I run to
Can't do without what you do to me,
I don't care if I'm in to deep yeah

I know all about,
Yea about your reputation
And now it's bound to be a heartbreak situation
But I can't help it if I'm helpless
Every time that I'm where you are

You walk in and my strength walks out the door
Say my name and I can't fight it any more
Oh I know, I should go
But I need your touch just too damn much
Hey-yeah
Loving you, yeah, isn't really something I should do
I shouldn't wanna spend my time with you ya
Well I should try to be strong, I should try to be strong
But baby you're the right kind of wrong (right kind of wrong)
Baby you're the right kind of wrong
Baby you're the right kind of wrong

Yeah baby you're the the right kind of wrong

Funny Random Questions;; Think about em xD

1) Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

2 Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
..Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

3) If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?

4) Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

5) Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

6) Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

7) Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

8) Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

9) Why do you have to “put your two cents in”.. But it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?

10) Can you cry under water?

Escape into my imagination

There, the skies were never grey, just beautful and blue,
Everyone was smiling, not a person with a frown.
The streets were clean and unbroken,
Not a spec of dust that I could see.

There, I could relax, and not worry about anything,
I did not cry, for I could not stop feeling happy.
Nobody yelled, or cursed, or smoked or drank,
It was the perfect place to be.

I could not stay though, it was physically impossible,
im back here now, back into reality.
I can cry, I can be sad, and its very hard to laugh,
I miss the place that i could not be.

I cannot tell you the name, or show you where it is,
Because i woke up before i truley found it.
for it was nothing but imagination,
Nothing but the place I so badly wsnted to exist

Interesting night

Last night was hectic.. Not bad, just very hectic. Sooo many people slept here last night, there was me,my cousin,my cousins boyfriend,my mom,my two brothers,my brothers girlfriend,my moms friend martain, and my friend tara.. gosh, that is alot people. Anyways, I went to the movies with tara and we were gonna go see hes just not that into you, and there was like two hundred million people at the theatre.. we originally wantede to see friday teh 13th but it was sold out :( We didnt end up going to see friday the 13th or he just not that into you, we ended up going to see taken, and its a really good movie!! Its about a guy who has retired from working for the government, and he prevented bad things from happening so he knows all these tricks and stuff.. so his daughter goes to paris with her friend and she ends up getting kidnapped.. but its fraky because he was on the phone with her while she saw her friend get kidnapped from another room, and he tells her to go under the bed and he tells her that their going to take her, so that part freaked me out.. haha. But yeahhh... its a really good moviee, lots of actionn and suspense. ,,, So after the movies, i came home, and everyone was drinking except for shelbie and her boyfriend.. it was annoying yet hilarious .. because coreys girlfriend comes in and she starts giving me and tara a "girl" talk.. she was like, you know what candice, your a good.. teenager, you have a really, REALLY good head on your shoulders, and me, well, i took the wrong path and i know that, You have a really excellent mom, and shes a mom that i cant beat, I wish that i could provide a house and be a mom for my baby... And then she was like, you shouldnt do drugs, and if you do, be careful, and it was just really funny.. Okay, well that was last nightttt, lol... :P

15 Ways to get kicked out of wal-mart;;;

Hehe, this are really funny ways to get kicked out of walmart.. I read them from my friend's thingy on facebook :)

1-wander through the store dressed in all black with a fake walkie-talkie humming the Mission Impossible theme. When someone asks what you're doing, scream "LOOK OUT!!!" and push them behind a shelf

2-Pass out bananas to random people and snicker loudly after they take one.

3-Buy 350 packets of tuna and scream "THIS CAN'T BE RIGHT!!! YOU HAVE TO PUT SOME BACK!!!" once the cashier tells you the price

4-Walk around looking confused in the CD section and ask someone where you can find some "musical devices"

5-when the announcer-thing comes on, throw yourself on the floor and scream "THE VOICES!!!THEY'RE BACK!!!"

6-start a fish stick fight

7-walk up to random people and give them giant bear hugs. Then scream "I MISSED YA, MAN!!!!!!!"

8-(this requires a friend) Jump in a cart and have a friend push you around screaming "The British are coming!!!"

9-walk up to an employee and murmur "code red in aisle 3" and see what they do

10-slip a bra and a lacey pink th0ng into a really macho-looking man's cart (just make sure he doesn't have any girls with him)

11-attempt to fly off a high shelf

12-throw confetti on random people walking into the store

13-whisper "I know your "little secret"' to people in the checkout line

14-stand inside the freezer at the frozen food section

15-walk up to empoyees and whisper "I saw dead people...They want me to take you away...to aisle 8.."

Racism :(

I really hate racism.. I think its so mean to judge people based on their appearance, rather than their personality.. I have heard some mean things and even though some are not meant to be mean and only as jokes, i cant stand them.. Like once i heard someone say that Well how was i suppose to know that wasnt her, they all look alike: That was about an african-american person. Now i think thats mean.. They do NOT all look alike, just because they are the same color does not mean that they look the same. And ive also heard once, Well they shouldnt come to our country to escape theirs if their just going to dress the same, if their going to come here, then they should dress like normal people: That one really hit a nerve, it was about people from afgshanistan.. and i couldnt believe that! I mean, its just not right, we dont give a crap when we see someone walking own the street with a mohawk, or when its us who have our own sense of style.. when we decide we wanna try something a little different.. it doesnt matter.. because its US.. right? Well its most certanly not right, and not okay... It is up to them how they want to dress, if they want to continue wearing what their accustomed to, then let them! How come we can wear what we want and not be judged, but people from other countries cant? People say were pretty far past racism.. i will admit since the slavery ended its been better.. but even though they are not physically abused, its not too much different from emotionally abusing them!! argh, its just makes me so mad.. i dont understand why it is that people can still be racist after seing what was done to the jewish, to the african-americans, and to any other race.. The torture, the slavery... its just not right! :-/

Missing school

It is a ped day today and monday, and thats great ! But i feel like i miss school already. I dont know why everyday when i am at school i cant wait to get home, because i wish just opposite when i am home. When i get home i realize how much of an escape school is for me. I feel like going to the movies today, because i think the pink panther 2 is coming out! The one with steve martin :P I need to go and get a passport though soon, because My dad is thinking about letting me go to Dubai and im pretty sure its a yes! I really want to go.. Anywaysss. . . Im not sure what to write. :P

Free

Im feeling very happy at school lately. Instead of feeling embarrassed or ashamed of every single thing i do, I dont worry about it anymore. I say the wrong thing, I laugh it off.. If someone says something mean to me, or treats me like im a push-over, I speak up, and god, does it feel good. I feel as if i am stepping out from behind the eerie shadows that held me prisioner for so long. It feels as if i can finally be myself... at school. I dont know how, or what it is that made me feel this way, but im so happy that i do feel this way. Im talking more to everyone, and my cheeks dont burn up everytime the teacher calls on me. I feel... new. I cant really explain the feeling. But after being so shy for so long (though i am still shy,im not overly,crazy shy) It feels great to finally be able to act like and idiot in the school halls, and not worry about what people are thinking. I dont know how else to explain it, But I feel so much better, I feel lighter, and less... Nervous.. I no longer feel the heavy pull of nervousness in my stomache that seemed like a magnetic force, when i walk into school. Im happy. A part of me thinks that, that could be some of the reasons for not wanting to go to school lately; My shyness, and the over-dramatic affect it had on me. But im free now. Finally free. :)

Random Poems that I wrote today (none are based on anyones life exept the first one)

Love that will never be

Girl writes letter:I could have told you sooner,
But i knew you wouldnt love me,
I knew that id be pushed away,
Im glad i never let you see.

But now i am too far to know your feelings,
Yet still too close, to feel the rejection,
To feel the pain, and sadness,
To know that i would never win your affection.

Boy writes letter: What made you think I would never love you?
Secretly, I have always loved you too,
But here i sit, writing to myself,
Not knowing where to send this, what is left to do?

It hurts to read the letter you have left me,
just knowing that there could have been a love,
One that i wanted so much,
One i would have traded everything above.
------------------------------------------
I will always love you

I regognized that smile,
Aand the eyes i once stared into,
Right before you told me goodbye,
Your standing right here, i cant believe its you.

Your telling me your sorry, your eyes are so sincere,
My eyes are filled with tears, Im not sure what to do,
I still love your dearly, But i dont want all the pain,
You left me here, miserably, crying over you.

You left me bleeding, i was all alone without you,
You didnt sew me up again, an infection caught my heart,
It hurt so long, i wasnt sure i could keep breathing,
Still, i guess i should have know it from the start.

Although i miss you so much it hurts,
I cant bring myself to cave,
It came, and it went, and now its gone,
Dissapeared as if it were a wave.
---------------------------------
The Mask

I dont want you to see me,
The real me inside,
I dont know if you would like it,
So i will just stay here and hide.

I will smile, I wont frown,
I will laught, and i wont cry,
Though, i will cry myself to sleep tonight,
I wont ever tell you why.

Im troubled and you dont know it,
You see only the side i show you,
Outside i seem happy, But inside im really bleeding,
I cry, but later cover the evidence so i dont leave a clue.

What your seeing is nothing but a mask,
Not one part of it is real,
I will not remove this mask, and reveal who i am,
I will never tell you how i feel.
-------------------------------------
Coming out from behind the mask

The worlds no longer black and white,
I can finally see in color,
The thread that once held me up, was breakable and thin,
Now is strong, and seems much fuller.

My smile now is very true,
Instead of just an act,
I can be myself now,Im not scared,
I no longer fear how others will react.

My tears that come now are natural,
And not from abuse or pain,
I feel pure and happy now,
Ive got nothing left to lose, and everytihng to gain.

I finally feel the mask slipping off,
Finally dropping its guard from around me,
No longer holding me back from life,
Slowly fading into nothing but a memory.
-----------------------------------------
Lost in my emotions

I dont know how to get out of here,
Im lost and cannot see,
My heart has encirlcled me inside of it,
All i want is to be free.

Some feelings are jusdt perfect,
Wwhile others are just pain,
Im wrapped around my own confusion,
Im about to go insane.

I dont know weather to say yes or no,
Or weather to laugh or to cry,
I dont know if i should smile or frown,
I dont know how to make it by.

Tears arise, but then i laugh,
Aa smile appears, but then the tears fall,
Im lost in my emotions,
I dont know myself at all.
----------------------------------

Thats all :P The first poem was based on my friend who recently moved far away, and she left a note to the guy she liked, so i thought it would make a cute poem.