Who cares? I don’t. The world changes. My feelings change. Everything changes. It’s stupid yet makes sense. It’s beautiful and ugly. I can’t explain it. Who can? Nobody can read me better than I can, but then what to do when I can’t anymore?
How to explain my.. my, sadness, I suppose I could put it? How to explain my sadness, I don’t know. It’s a mixture. It hurts. That’s what I can tell you. It hurts. It sickens me. It’s unexplained, and that’s the worst part. Something invisible is pulling on me, somehow feeding me sadness that I have no idea about. Always just a sad, down, bored feeling. It’s hard to explain it precisely. Here is how I’ll explain it. When I think about my life, I don’t care. I used to love my best friend, and now it feel’s like I don’t. I feel like the world is empty and there’s nothing exciting, or new to it. I hear my voice, it sounds different. I see myself, I look different… And most importantly, I feel different. I don’t want to discover things, I don’t want to learn things, I don’t want to care. I don’t want to go places, I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to feel. I want to feel numb, and the only person I want to talk to is, I don’t know, not the same. I don’t feel the same with that person anymore. The voice of this person used to cheer me up, make me feel better, make me not want to cry. But for some reason, it’s not doing that anymore. I feel worst. I find myself aimlessly feeling weird feelings, some I’ve never felt. I can't even sleep anymore. It’s stupid. I want to ignore it. I want to deny it, and accept it, and cry over it, and fix it, but I cant. I’m sick with it. It’s an endless feeling of nervousness and I can’t stop it. I hate it. I hate it. See? There I go with anger again. It bounces. From sad, to angry, to sad, to angry, to jealousy, to annoyance, to unbearable, to frustration. I never said I wanted to play ball. I don’t want my emotions being uncontrollable. But they are. They are. I can’t change them, I can’t alter them, I can’t fix them. I can’t begin to try to change it because I don’t know what the hell is bothering me. I don’t feel happy even around my friends. I find myself pretending to laugh, pretending to smile, pretending to be happy, when I’m honestly not. All I want is to be alone, to not be bothered.. but I’m scared of that. I’m scared of being alone. It makes me feel hopeless, and trapped. But I want it. It kills me to not be able to fix my problem. It kills me to not be in charge of myself. It really does.
Soooo goodnight...
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