i dont even know

I cant stop falling. i keep managing to pick myself up and start to walk but just as i do so i trip over my stupid foot again and fall twice as deep down this stupid dark hole. im not talking about love either, im talking about wonderful old life. i hate it. everything, everything goes wrong. i cant stop feeling depressed. whenever i just barely manage this thing on my face that could JUST pass as a smile, it just gets ripped off of me again. but the events arent even the worse part. the worst part, is that i cant feel anyone here to help catch me. i feel alone and scared and i just want the feeling to go away. I just need someone here for me, who will never go away and push me back up when i dont have the strength to get back up. but i cant feel that anymore. I can see people, yes. many people. but they`re just watching. i dont know how to live anymore, maybe i should just let myself fall. i just wish i could help myself.

So many Questions.. So little answers..

What made him change his mind?
Was it because he loves me, still?
Or was it because when I walked past him,
That first day, he saw it took all I had not to cry?

Does it hurt him too, to see me everyday?
Does he feel the constant pain I do,
When I lay in bed at night,
Trying to keep my mind off of him?

Does it ever bring tears to his eyes,
When our song comes on the radio?
Does he change the station too?
Or does he hate anything that has to do with me?

Does his chest ever feel empty?
Or does she fill that gap perfectly?
Does he wonder about me like I do him?
And does he hate that he wonders, too?

I wish I knew what he was thinking.
Does he know that I still love him?
More than my own life, more than anything?
I wish I didnt. And I wish he still felt the same.

Boredom debate

So I am really bored. And writing a random blog. Were debating what the public has a right to know and what they dont about celebrities or politicians, etc.. And i dont think that anyone really has a right to know anything about their private lives.. Its just like anyone else in the world, I dont want to know anything about some random person I meet on the street.. I dont want to know their sex life or how many people they date.. All im worried about is their name, possibly where they live and if I can be their friend. Other than that.. I dont care. It goes the same with famous people. They have their right to their privacy, and we dont need to know everything. Im against the world knowing everything about everyone. Its wrong.

Stupid fiction and they`re non- realness.

I think I need to stop reading fiction romance stories. They`re killing me. Literally speaking. I read about all these.. perfect, yet unperfect love in books that always.. ALWAYS have a conflict, but in the end.. the love is always so strong that the two in love end up together.. and they`re so perfect for eachother.. irrevocable strong love.. That is compeletely thought up by some person who probably has the same problem as me.. It`s not fair. I want to find someone who I love that much.. Who will love me that much and care for me and comfort me.. I want someone who can fill the emptiness I feel in my chest right now.. But it wont ever happen.. It wont ever be the way I have pictured it. Theres always going to be those stupid doses of horrible reality and life. I dont want it. I just wish I could suppress it forever, but its impossible. I really just wish that I could have the feelings for someone that I feel when Im reading about it. Because it feels so wonderful.. And sure.. I`ll probably have the feeling one day with someone, but for how long? Eventually the happy giddy feelings will dissapear.. and eventually ill have to start thinking about life, about money, and hosues and.. and just everything. Its amazing in the books.. they can deal with all of that without ever falling out of love, or ending in divorce or tears because the other cheated. I honestly with all of my heart wish that could happen but it never will. Im scared to not have something that I never even had to start with. But there is this giant unfulfilled hole in my chest that feels like it can never be filled. I desperately wish it could be though.

Keeeep the mystery going!

So Ive come to realize something about us girls.

I usually haaate surprises.. so When I am told that something is being done for me I immediately ask what it is.. And Yes, I get upset when I dont get an answer to what is being done for me, but in the end, I usually end up loving it. Even if it WAS a surprise.

Sooo, what i`ve figured out, is that as much as us girls will beg you guys to tell us what you`re planning or what you`re doing.. NEVER GIVE IN! Because as much as we do ask and beg and wine, we really dont want to know. I know this now from personal experience. I was told by my boyfriend that he`d going to do something nice for me, and I was like what what what!! and for like 20 minutes he would not budge and would not tell me. He only told me there were roses involved. But being me, I begged and begged, and so finally he told me, he was making a dinner for us :) which is INCREDIBLY sweet of him.. but when I think about it, I would have rather not known, because i deflated and lost interest in the topic and there was no more mystery about it. Nothing to ask about, nothing to keep me up for hours wondering about.. I just know now. And thats it. I am going to know and theres just no more fun in it now..

So anyways.. Just though that any guys reading this should know that. NEVER spill the surprise, as much as we will beg you too or how much we say we hate surprises, DO NOT GIVE IN!! because deep down, we really do love surprises and if you tell us, theres nothing mysterious about you, or spontaneuous.. Keep mystery in your relationship.. It`ll keep us girls wondering about you and keep the need in us to figure everything out about you.. Trust me.. I know.

Convert negativity to positivity

Sometimes life gets hard. And you so desperately believe you will never get through it. I gets these times a lot, and I always think it's the end of the world. I hate feeling so completely. Out of control of myself, it makes me feel so powerless and like i'm helpless. But even though it's hard to believe when you are in the moment, the only way to help yourself keep your emotions in check is to allow yourself to believe that everything WILL be okay, as long as you keep thinking about your negative feelings, the worse it's going to get and the longer it will last, however, keep telling yourself everyhing will be okay and keep yourself occupied, well the easier it will be and the easier it will be to move on. I'm not saying that the Hurt will be completely gone, but he easier it will be . Thiiiiink positive and positivity will eventually come..

Don't worry.. Be Happy..

Don't worry.. Be Happy..

NOT AS EASY TO DO AS IT IS TO SAY!!!

God, I need to seriously stop being stressed before one; I develop an ulsar, or 2; I grow all gray hair. This is getting ridiculous I don't even know what's going on anymore, Like I do but I don't know whose fault it is or if I am just going crazy. But I feel more comfortable saying that I am going crazy. But whaatever I will live. I think. Omg I cant wait to go to Toronto.. 2 days isn't a lot but I'll take it if it means I get to be away for a bit. Well I am off.................

Thinking Blankly

I used to believe I thought too much. I believed it because I was always feeling depressed, feeling sad, and I just felt like I had way too much access to myself then I should have had. And with that, I just stopped thinking. I know that sounds impossible, but really I stopped thinking. I thought about simple things like 'i want coffee' or 'okay im crossing the road, look both ways' But I never went deeply into my mind. I became pretty much a bimbo. Which is why I got writers block for like 9 months, and why my entries here became less meaningful and sounded stupid. I stopped letting myself gain access to myself. Which I now realize is a horrible thing. I realize now that you need to have access to your thoughts, it's important to let yourself think about life. And you can't simply stop thinking just because you're scared of your thoughts. It messes you up. I really forgot how to think things through, and talk things out.. I mean, I still don't know how to speak my true feelings because yes, I feel things, and I can classify what i am feeling, but I don't know how to go inside myself and figure out what exactly is bothering me. Which is not a great thing, especially not in a relationship where you need to be able to explain your feelings to the person you love. But I am trying now, Im trying to go back to when I was able to easily think without struggling to.

Quote

"Emotions are not to be tormented, for they can kill a person in more ways than one"
David Garrison

La Pioggia/The Rain

C'è qualcosa di magico della pioggia.
Qualcosa di misterioso e meraviglioso.
Stare in piedi lì, in esso, Mistificato.
La pioggia chiarisce la sua mente,
Allevia la sua anima.
Calma il suo essere.
Apre la sua essenza.
La pioggia,
dunque le Cadute comuni,
ancora, tuttavia mozzafiato,
dai cieli giù a questo luogo dove,
abbiamo bisogno di esso il più.

At peace [poem]]

The sun has set and,
Life on my part of the world has stopped for the moment.
I feel more alive than I have in months,
As I sit and gaze at the darkness.

I wish I could touch the invisibility,
Of the night.
Just to be sure that it's real.
To be sure that it is there.

I can hear waves in the distance,
The low call of an owl.
I can feel the wind on my skin,
And I can smell the scent of the rain.

Serenity engulfs me,
And for the first time in what seems like years,
I let myself feel the peace,
That is slowly over taking me.

i dont even know what to call this

I am typing..
And Neela is next to me.
Yeah, neela;s on my blog now.
Hahaha.
Facebooooook is nooooot working. :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
im at school.
No im not.
Or am i?
Im also on coffee.
Or caffeine
Or chocolate?
Pizza?
Whaaa?
RIICE!
About.com.
Poems.
red.
orange.
tai die.
PURPLE!
Green!
PERFROMED BY:
MEEE

yeah im hyperishness ish? What?

untitled,

This may not be my best poem but oh well.

I thought I knew what I wanted,
But currently look back and ask myself why,
Why I was so stupid.
Why I so intensely believe my twisted version of the truth.

When that truth was but a lie,
Some perception invented falsely in my brain,
Beleiving anything, any words, so desperate,
To hold on to something that never existed.

Something I was so convinced of,
So intwined in, ridiculously.
Why could I not differianate the two?
Reality, and thought?

Where, then, was my brain?
When I was being led by lies?
Unintentionally, and gradually, so caught up in unrealness
To a point where depression could possess me.

Where life meant little, and love everything,
'love' yes, such a scary and fake word.
A word with lie stored inside it,
Where did the lie come in to tact?

Was it that first 'feeling' ?
Or those stupid first words?
Stupidity allowed me to believe,
that everything made sense,

That everything was real,
But in whose opinion was it evedr?
If it was, where's the proof?
And why, if it was, do I feel so incredibly dumb?

Where, ever was the happiness?
The content that love is said to be?
I never felt it,
Maybve, it never was real.

Trying to forget stupidity is impossible,
Remembering is all but too easy,
Where is my morphine for the feeling?
Because I feel the prodding scalpel too intensely.

Emotion of a memory

Memories over the years, tend to fade. Though, when you do recall the faded memory, it then tends to be intensified. With every old memory comes emotions. Weather they be anger, content, satisfaction, jealousy, love, hatred or sadness... You have an emotion stored in every memory. Each that you remember has significance or meaning. But which emotion with a memory comes worse, but guilt? It over powers every other emotion within the memory. So people ask, how can a murder, or a rapist live with themselves after causing so much misery to another human being? A person just like them? Who breathes, and eats, and sleeps and Feels? How can they swallow down that guilt so easily when such a memory resurfaces to the conscious mind? Re seeing the terrified face of a little girl, or the crying eyes of a man thinking of his only daughter never to see her again. How do you over power such an emotion? Guilt is a strong emotion that you feel being born in the pit of your stomach. Almost like something squeezing and tying together your intestines, and working its way up past your now fast paced heart, Wrapping itself around that as well. Pushing further to the throat, hovering at the point where nothing can stay long before you vomit, it hovers until you feel like you WILL vomit, then it returns mysteriously back to its birth place.

Every time until you either do something rash, or beg for forgiveness. That is how most people work. Then you have those criminals who work the opposite way. Instead of feeling guilt, they feel satisfaction. They do not suffer from the evil that becomes a part of you, and slowly drives you insane. Sometimes I wonder if maybe those who feel no guilt, felt guilt so many times in their past but refused to release the evil by apologizing, that now it's just a normal feeling like happiness, and now, they are just used to it. As if their body adapted to it and now they can just no longer acknowledge the feeling. Maybe, I wonder, THAT is what drives them to be so insane. Those who trap the feeling inside, allowing themselves to go insane. Because, otherwise, how could someone not wind up killing themselves with the over powering guilt that possesses you after doing something horrid? Personally, I wouldn't need to kill myself, I would just naturally die with the way that the guilt raps around my organs, slowly and painfully breaking every part of me apart. The guilt for me, would get worse and worse with every memory of a terrible past.

Not my poem. -I wish love were pixie dust-

I wish this poem were pixie dust
To throw into your eyes
And make you see the loveliness
Beneath my sad disguise.

And I would take you in my arms
And weave a magic spell
That I could utter anytime
To make you love me well.

But alas my simple words
Are like summer rain
That drums on hills and fields and hearts,
Then vanishes again.

And though my love might make you bloom,
You turn with fragile grace
To gaze in aching loneliness
At someone else's face.

We lust for what we cannot have,
A long, unbroken chain
Of lovers who remain unloved
And loved who love in vain.

While I'm near mad with wanting you
As trees must have the sun,
You cannot help but find a love
Who loves another one.

~ Nicholas Gordon

I love you..

Your thoughts are silent,
But I know what your thinking,
Your heart, it pulses in sync with mine,
I can feel it beating against your skin.

My emotions are vulnerable near you,
I am weak and cannot think.
Is that how love is suppose to be ?
I follow without my eyes, and instead, with my heart.

Your voice is my music,
How I love to hear any words you say.
Your kiss is my haven,
Our souls merging into one.

I forget the stress within your presence,
My heart forgets to beat a moment,
Yet I am more alive than I have ever been in my life.
I can't live without you, As you are my heart.

You are my stability, What holds me up,
I forget how to stand without you.
Kiss me softly, and I feel the truth,
I can't help how I feel, immensely,

So intensely.. I love you.

I want to go back to that

I remember a simple time. An easy time. A time where talking was possible without having to make sure it's something allowable to say.

I tend to miss that time everyday. I tried to make it like that again. Acting how I used to during that time, pulling back memories from that time and replaying them. But it's not just in me that there was a change. How am I suppose to recreate that time when, in reality, there is absolutely NOTHING the same as then? I'm not even the same person.. I don't know why i'm trying. It's like an impossible task. Yeah that's right, I said impossible. And yeah, that's right i'm giving up. I really don't know how to go back in time. If I could I would in a second. Everything is way too difficult now, and I really wish it weren't.

Obstacle coursed life.

The world is definitely not perfect. A 5 year old could tell you that. Life is also definitely a challenge. It can be so hard sometimes. It's like an obstacle course really, The goal is to get to the end. It looks simple enough, and others make it look easy. But when you get out onto the track and try it for yourself, it's the hardest thing ever to exist. You deal with people, some who are great, and others who scar you. Some who you love, some you do not. You deal with loss, you deal with hatrid. You deal with illnesses, you deal with fitting in, you deal with pressure, with failure. You deal with emotions. You deal with physical and mental pain. But then (just like an obstacle course) you have the little cups of water and juice and snacks on the side. The good stuff. That is what keeps those obstacle runners going. What allows them to take a break for a moment so they can catch their breath, then keep going. That is exactly like life. If the runners can finish the race.. why can't I ?

I dont even know .. ?

Can I have a chance ?
A will ?
A clarified thought process ?
Anything ?

Sometimes it's too hard to try and change the way I think, or the way I look at things.. Part of me wants to change the way things are, and part of me doesn't. Well, most of me doesn't want to change anything at all... Its just that reality ruins everything.. I dont even know what to write now. I just wanted to write.. something. Anyways.. If i think of something else I will write it...

I let myself fall.

A voice whispers, Pulling me closer,
Drawing me to it, I have no thoughts.
No knowledge, No sense, I'm following blindly,
Everything left behind me, I let myself fall.

A pleasurable sensation engulfs me,
Pleasurable yes, But dangerous.
I'm lost in a land of emotions,
Into the darkness, I let myself fall.

I float through nothingness,
As I follow the whisper, still.
Leading me purposefully, Into the unknown.
Its leading though, unnecessary, For I let myself fall.

I know this seamless sensation won't last,
And when I snap to reality it'll hurt.
Yet still, I drift in a daze.
And still, I let myself fall.

Dammit

I hate how hard it's getting to be happy. It started where I was just sad once in a while. Then within the last month it's been every single night. and NOW, now it's even during the day, and that severely scares me.

I don't know what I am going to do about it. but I will have to do something before I can't even at least tame it anymore. I am very scared. I know this isn't going anywhere good.

Bang Bang, rap. IDK it randomly came to me.

His mothers speaking,
but he just aint caring,
his music blaring,
inside he's flaring,
cant let go of this grudge he's baring.
Sometimes he just wont go home,
too pissed he just feels numb,
he knows where its heading he aint that dumb,
drowns his sorrow with a bottle of rum,
alone in his room as he cocks the gun.

Hes lost it.
hes about to relase his rage,
he just needs to be set free of this cage,
trying so hard to turn to a new page
hes ready to die despite his age.

Chrous:

He just shoots the gun,
his heart pounding he dont like the way its sounding,
but his rage is stronger than he'll ever be so many people die tonight because of the way he was treated,
god help him,
this boy doesnt know what he's doing,
bang bang,
only took one shot to his head surrounded by the many who are now dead.
Under his hands, his rage,
just because it's where he stands in his life. Bang bang.

Its too easy, how things turned out,
now everything is cold,
he looks at those around him he killed, its not how he wanted things to unfold,
what a derogatory sight for him to behold,
he puts the gun to his head, and says fuck it, cuz thats what he'd always been told. Bang bang

I wish it was real.

Im standing on a cliff.
I've had this dream before.

I never fall,
I just stand.

The rocks always fall,
And I stumble,

But I dont fall,
Only stumble,

I feel excited when I slip,
Like it's a good thing im about to fall.

I feel adrenaline,
And happiness,

And each time I slip I get closer to falling,
But it's a dream, so I don't fall,

It's different this time,
It's going faster,

It's more real,
So I step forward,

Eager to test it,
To prove to myself it's a dream,

But I fall,
I'm not scared,

I feel nothing,
Nothing but the wind,

And then its gone,
Everything is gone.

So am I.
It was no dream,

meh,

So im at school.. the singing teacher couldn't come in today so im using the computer.

ad·dic·tion

Addiction is crazy.
When you're addicted, and you have access to what you're addicted to, you want it, you feel the longing through your bones and your soul and it's impossible to resist it. When you don't get it you long for it, you start to feel alone and everything suddenly doesn't matter. The addiction becomes your life. Everything you have becomes nothing when your everything becomes your addiction. It starts as a high. You like the feeling of your addiction the first time but you know its wrong, so you promise never to do it again. Of course that's a lie. The second time it feels not so wrong anymore, and on and on and suddenly you're addicted. Easy as breathing. Unfortunately, it's not as easy to become un-addicted. The addictiveness is in your brain and your brain will not forget that.

[[Watch your feelings, they become thoughts.
Watch you thoughts, they become words,
Watch your words, they become actions,
Watch your actions, they become habits,
Watch your habits, they become your life.]]

Addiction,


ad·dic·tion
   /əˈdɪkʃən/ Show Spelled[uh-dik-shuhn]
–noun
the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.

What happens when you dont watch your feelings, nor your thoughts, or your words, or your actions, or your habits, or your life?

Your future becomes non-existent.

Life's just a freaking confusing maze.

Ahh life. Gotta love it. It's like a giant impossible maze. Its suppose to make things interesting and entertaining. I dont find it does at all. I don't think i'll ever find the end to this big old dumb maze. It's a game im not good at, i've never been good at mazes. I wonder how many people lose the game and never make it to the end. I wonder if i'll be one of them.. I suppose maybe i've just hit a big wall and i can't find the opening to get to the other side and continue on my path. I hope I will though. And I hope it's soon. Because I refuse to die at this wall, I want to make it to the end but you know how it is when you're in a house of mirrors?, and you run into this confusing set of mirrors and you really can't find your way out? No hope of finding a way around it without the birds eye view? Well that's how it feels and i'm panicking. I just need to maneuver my way around and plan my way out better. Because this game plan, is so not working. Ah confusing maze of life, lead me out please. asap.

Lost In My Head

Is it possible to be lost in your own head?

How can it be that I don't understand myself? That I can't find any answers in myself no matter how hard I try? Apparently it is possible to be lost inside your head.. And I think I know why.

I think that it's because i've locked away all of my thoughts for so long. I've deprived myself of thinking for many months now, or from at least thinking deeply, anyways. I swear I haven't thought deeply at all roughly since July. It's ridiculous really. So anyways, back to my original point. I am lost in my own head because I haven't allowed myself to access my important, or deep thoughts so now, when I need them the most, I cannot access them. My mind has a lock and I can't unlock it. I no longer know the combo to the lock. Or, I never had a lock and all of a sudden I put one there and never learned the combo to start with. So how can I change this? Well, That's another deep thought I have no access to. I really do not know how to regain access to myself, but it probably requires something like meditating which is hard for me to do because i'm afraid of my thoughts. I need them, but I don't want them. I've been scared of my thoughts for 9 months for my thoughts used to always contain blackness, darkness, death. The end. So I was scared of them. And if I were to try and gain access to my thoughts, i'm scared of what I will think. Of what will come flooding into my mind and I don't want to be scared anymore.

I am the elements. The emotions.

A fire burns inside of me,
A fire that is enclosed,
It grows only larger,
For it was never yet set free.

Water also runs through my veins,
This is the prevention.
The prevention from the fire exploding.
From controlling me, it evens things out.

The two powerful elements combined help me make it through the day.
The fire rises, but the water forces it back down.
When the fire burns, I am upset,
And when the water runs, I feel better once again.

Sometimes the water takes it's time,
And the fire slowly rises to it's peak.
That's when I feel i'm about to shatter,
Then the water comes rushing and helps me out.

My emotions are elements.
Fire and water.
Dangerous on their own,
Yet perfect stimulants together.


Yeeeah if that made noo sense, its because im thiking of something while writing. So it makes snese to me, it could probably only make sense if you know WHAT im thinking about. but I wont say. It was jsut fun to write lol...

Really Random Emo V-day Poem loool

Red Roses,
Red Heart,
Red Blood,
I bleed for you.

Roses Die,
Heart's Break,
Blood Flows,
Mine Finds a new route.

Once a peaceful undisturbed stream,
Now rushing towards this new exit,
Where there's light, and other new unseen things,
Where the light bounces off something metal.

Now there's sound, the whisper of a sob,
But somewhere a feeling of victory,
What was Meant was done,
The red stream flows now benetath my feet.

A displayed memory that only can fade,
Soon there will be another,
More lost blood will drop to the floor,\leaving those who didnt make it to wait.