Obstacle coursed life.

The world is definitely not perfect. A 5 year old could tell you that. Life is also definitely a challenge. It can be so hard sometimes. It's like an obstacle course really, The goal is to get to the end. It looks simple enough, and others make it look easy. But when you get out onto the track and try it for yourself, it's the hardest thing ever to exist. You deal with people, some who are great, and others who scar you. Some who you love, some you do not. You deal with loss, you deal with hatrid. You deal with illnesses, you deal with fitting in, you deal with pressure, with failure. You deal with emotions. You deal with physical and mental pain. But then (just like an obstacle course) you have the little cups of water and juice and snacks on the side. The good stuff. That is what keeps those obstacle runners going. What allows them to take a break for a moment so they can catch their breath, then keep going. That is exactly like life. If the runners can finish the race.. why can't I ?

I dont even know .. ?

Can I have a chance ?
A will ?
A clarified thought process ?
Anything ?

Sometimes it's too hard to try and change the way I think, or the way I look at things.. Part of me wants to change the way things are, and part of me doesn't. Well, most of me doesn't want to change anything at all... Its just that reality ruins everything.. I dont even know what to write now. I just wanted to write.. something. Anyways.. If i think of something else I will write it...

I let myself fall.

A voice whispers, Pulling me closer,
Drawing me to it, I have no thoughts.
No knowledge, No sense, I'm following blindly,
Everything left behind me, I let myself fall.

A pleasurable sensation engulfs me,
Pleasurable yes, But dangerous.
I'm lost in a land of emotions,
Into the darkness, I let myself fall.

I float through nothingness,
As I follow the whisper, still.
Leading me purposefully, Into the unknown.
Its leading though, unnecessary, For I let myself fall.

I know this seamless sensation won't last,
And when I snap to reality it'll hurt.
Yet still, I drift in a daze.
And still, I let myself fall.

Dammit

I hate how hard it's getting to be happy. It started where I was just sad once in a while. Then within the last month it's been every single night. and NOW, now it's even during the day, and that severely scares me.

I don't know what I am going to do about it. but I will have to do something before I can't even at least tame it anymore. I am very scared. I know this isn't going anywhere good.

Bang Bang, rap. IDK it randomly came to me.

His mothers speaking,
but he just aint caring,
his music blaring,
inside he's flaring,
cant let go of this grudge he's baring.
Sometimes he just wont go home,
too pissed he just feels numb,
he knows where its heading he aint that dumb,
drowns his sorrow with a bottle of rum,
alone in his room as he cocks the gun.

Hes lost it.
hes about to relase his rage,
he just needs to be set free of this cage,
trying so hard to turn to a new page
hes ready to die despite his age.

Chrous:

He just shoots the gun,
his heart pounding he dont like the way its sounding,
but his rage is stronger than he'll ever be so many people die tonight because of the way he was treated,
god help him,
this boy doesnt know what he's doing,
bang bang,
only took one shot to his head surrounded by the many who are now dead.
Under his hands, his rage,
just because it's where he stands in his life. Bang bang.

Its too easy, how things turned out,
now everything is cold,
he looks at those around him he killed, its not how he wanted things to unfold,
what a derogatory sight for him to behold,
he puts the gun to his head, and says fuck it, cuz thats what he'd always been told. Bang bang

I wish it was real.

Im standing on a cliff.
I've had this dream before.

I never fall,
I just stand.

The rocks always fall,
And I stumble,

But I dont fall,
Only stumble,

I feel excited when I slip,
Like it's a good thing im about to fall.

I feel adrenaline,
And happiness,

And each time I slip I get closer to falling,
But it's a dream, so I don't fall,

It's different this time,
It's going faster,

It's more real,
So I step forward,

Eager to test it,
To prove to myself it's a dream,

But I fall,
I'm not scared,

I feel nothing,
Nothing but the wind,

And then its gone,
Everything is gone.

So am I.
It was no dream,

meh,

So im at school.. the singing teacher couldn't come in today so im using the computer.

ad·dic·tion

Addiction is crazy.
When you're addicted, and you have access to what you're addicted to, you want it, you feel the longing through your bones and your soul and it's impossible to resist it. When you don't get it you long for it, you start to feel alone and everything suddenly doesn't matter. The addiction becomes your life. Everything you have becomes nothing when your everything becomes your addiction. It starts as a high. You like the feeling of your addiction the first time but you know its wrong, so you promise never to do it again. Of course that's a lie. The second time it feels not so wrong anymore, and on and on and suddenly you're addicted. Easy as breathing. Unfortunately, it's not as easy to become un-addicted. The addictiveness is in your brain and your brain will not forget that.

[[Watch your feelings, they become thoughts.
Watch you thoughts, they become words,
Watch your words, they become actions,
Watch your actions, they become habits,
Watch your habits, they become your life.]]

Addiction,


ad·dic·tion
   /əˈdɪkʃən/ Show Spelled[uh-dik-shuhn]
–noun
the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.

What happens when you dont watch your feelings, nor your thoughts, or your words, or your actions, or your habits, or your life?

Your future becomes non-existent.

Life's just a freaking confusing maze.

Ahh life. Gotta love it. It's like a giant impossible maze. Its suppose to make things interesting and entertaining. I dont find it does at all. I don't think i'll ever find the end to this big old dumb maze. It's a game im not good at, i've never been good at mazes. I wonder how many people lose the game and never make it to the end. I wonder if i'll be one of them.. I suppose maybe i've just hit a big wall and i can't find the opening to get to the other side and continue on my path. I hope I will though. And I hope it's soon. Because I refuse to die at this wall, I want to make it to the end but you know how it is when you're in a house of mirrors?, and you run into this confusing set of mirrors and you really can't find your way out? No hope of finding a way around it without the birds eye view? Well that's how it feels and i'm panicking. I just need to maneuver my way around and plan my way out better. Because this game plan, is so not working. Ah confusing maze of life, lead me out please. asap.

Lost In My Head

Is it possible to be lost in your own head?

How can it be that I don't understand myself? That I can't find any answers in myself no matter how hard I try? Apparently it is possible to be lost inside your head.. And I think I know why.

I think that it's because i've locked away all of my thoughts for so long. I've deprived myself of thinking for many months now, or from at least thinking deeply, anyways. I swear I haven't thought deeply at all roughly since July. It's ridiculous really. So anyways, back to my original point. I am lost in my own head because I haven't allowed myself to access my important, or deep thoughts so now, when I need them the most, I cannot access them. My mind has a lock and I can't unlock it. I no longer know the combo to the lock. Or, I never had a lock and all of a sudden I put one there and never learned the combo to start with. So how can I change this? Well, That's another deep thought I have no access to. I really do not know how to regain access to myself, but it probably requires something like meditating which is hard for me to do because i'm afraid of my thoughts. I need them, but I don't want them. I've been scared of my thoughts for 9 months for my thoughts used to always contain blackness, darkness, death. The end. So I was scared of them. And if I were to try and gain access to my thoughts, i'm scared of what I will think. Of what will come flooding into my mind and I don't want to be scared anymore.