Lost In My Head

Is it possible to be lost in your own head?

How can it be that I don't understand myself? That I can't find any answers in myself no matter how hard I try? Apparently it is possible to be lost inside your head.. And I think I know why.

I think that it's because i've locked away all of my thoughts for so long. I've deprived myself of thinking for many months now, or from at least thinking deeply, anyways. I swear I haven't thought deeply at all roughly since July. It's ridiculous really. So anyways, back to my original point. I am lost in my own head because I haven't allowed myself to access my important, or deep thoughts so now, when I need them the most, I cannot access them. My mind has a lock and I can't unlock it. I no longer know the combo to the lock. Or, I never had a lock and all of a sudden I put one there and never learned the combo to start with. So how can I change this? Well, That's another deep thought I have no access to. I really do not know how to regain access to myself, but it probably requires something like meditating which is hard for me to do because i'm afraid of my thoughts. I need them, but I don't want them. I've been scared of my thoughts for 9 months for my thoughts used to always contain blackness, darkness, death. The end. So I was scared of them. And if I were to try and gain access to my thoughts, i'm scared of what I will think. Of what will come flooding into my mind and I don't want to be scared anymore.